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22–36 monthsSelf-Regulation

Seeks comfort from familiar adults when needed.

Observe whether the child: seeks comfort from familiar adults when needed.

What it looks like

Three ways this behaviour shows up as a child grows. Each level includes everyday moments to watch for.

Emerging

Just starting

Sometimes approaches a familiar adult but may resist contact or struggle to settle; needs the adult to interpret needs and co-regulate closely.

What you might see

  • When frightened or hurt, runs around crying without approaching the caregiver.
  • Pushes away a familiar adult offering a hug and continues escalating.
  • Throws objects or hits when upset rather than seeking adult help.
  • Moves toward the caregiver but stands nearby crying without making contact.
  • Calls for the caregiver, then resists being picked up and cannot settle.
  • Accepts a quick cuddle but returns to crying immediately and needs repeated soothing.

Expected

On track

Seeks a familiar adult for comfort in common upsets and accepts soothing, calming enough to re-engage with support.

What you might see

  • Goes to a familiar adult and raises arms/leans in after a bump or disappointment.
  • Brings a comfort object to the adult and sits close for reassurance.
  • Calms after a short cuddle/soothing talk and re-joins play within a few minutes.

Exceeding

Going further

Actively seeks comfort when needed and uses reassurance to calm, communicating needs and returning to play or trying again.

What you might see

  • Says or gestures for help (e.g., “cuddle,” “help”) and accepts comfort appropriately.
  • Seeks the adult after a conflict and then returns to play without prolonged upset.
  • Approaches the adult when unsure (new place/new person) and settles with brief reassurance.
  • Asks for a plan or reassurance before a hard moment (e.g., “you stay?”) and then copes.
  • Requests a specific coping support (teddy, drink, hand-hold) and calms quickly.
  • When another child is upset, fetches a trusted adult for them rather than panicking or ignoring.

Try this at home

Small everyday moments where you can notice this behaviour without setting up anything special.

  • At drop-off/handovers with a familiar adult, notice whether your child checks in for a hug or reassurance and then is able to settle.

  • After a small bump or disappointment (e.g., toy won’t work), see whether your child comes to you for comfort rather than escalating alone.

  • When a loud noise or new person appears, notice whether your child moves toward you and accepts reassurance.

  • At bedtime, observe whether your child seeks a brief cuddle/check-in and then can lie down and calm with your support.

  • During a challenging transition (leaving park, putting on shoes), notice whether your child can seek help appropriately instead of only resisting.

Connected behaviours

Behaviours that scaffold, follow, or co-emerge with this one.

Where this comes from

The framework source and supporting developmental research.

Framework source

  • Development Matters in the EYFS (2012), DfE — Personal, Social and Emotional Development: Managing feelings and behaviour (22–36 months).

    Framework-native indicators include seeking comfort from familiar adults as a co-regulation pathway supporting self-regulation.

Developmental research

  • Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

    Attachment research describes proximity-seeking to familiar caregivers as a core behaviour supporting regulation under stress.

Five-level rubric (detailed)Show

The full progression underlying the three levels above. Used by the platform’s reasoning agent when planning activities and observations.

Not Yet
When distressed, does not reliably approach a familiar adult for comfort and may escalate or withdraw without using adult support to calm.
  • When frightened or hurt, runs around crying without approaching the caregiver.
  • Pushes away a familiar adult offering a hug and continues escalating.
  • Throws objects or hits when upset rather than seeking adult help.
Emerging
Sometimes approaches a familiar adult but may resist contact or struggle to settle; needs the adult to interpret needs and co-regulate closely.
  • Moves toward the caregiver but stands nearby crying without making contact.
  • Calls for the caregiver, then resists being picked up and cannot settle.
  • Accepts a quick cuddle but returns to crying immediately and needs repeated soothing.
Developing
Seeks a familiar adult for comfort in common upsets and accepts soothing, calming enough to re-engage with support.
  • Goes to a familiar adult and raises arms/leans in after a bump or disappointment.
  • Brings a comfort object to the adult and sits close for reassurance.
  • Calms after a short cuddle/soothing talk and re-joins play within a few minutes.
Secure
Actively seeks comfort when needed and uses reassurance to calm, communicating needs and returning to play or trying again.
  • Says or gestures for help (e.g., “cuddle,” “help”) and accepts comfort appropriately.
  • Seeks the adult after a conflict and then returns to play without prolonged upset.
  • Approaches the adult when unsure (new place/new person) and settles with brief reassurance.
Reflexive
Uses adult support proactively (check-ins, reassurance) and then self-manages, and may guide others to a trusted adult when they are upset.
  • Asks for a plan or reassurance before a hard moment (e.g., “you stay?”) and then copes.
  • Requests a specific coping support (teddy, drink, hand-hold) and calms quickly.
  • When another child is upset, fetches a trusted adult for them rather than panicking or ignoring.