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40–60 monthsSelf-Regulation

Beginning to be able to negotiate and solve problems without aggression, e.g. when someone has taken their toy.

Observe whether the child: beginning to be able to negotiate and solve problems without aggression, e.g. when someone has taken their toy.

What it looks like

Three ways this behaviour shows up as a child grows. Each level includes everyday moments to watch for.

Emerging

Just starting

Sometimes uses words or seeks an adult, but negotiation is fragile; may revert to grabbing/shouting if the other child resists.

What you might see

  • Immediately hits/pushes when another child takes an item, without speaking first.
  • Snatches toys back repeatedly, escalating into a tug-of-war rather than pausing.
  • Shouts threats or screams and cannot re-engage until an adult removes them.
  • Says “mine!” but then grabs back if the peer does not respond quickly.
  • Looks to an adult and calls for help, but still lunges for the toy while waiting.
  • Attempts “my turn” once, then starts pushing or shouting when frustrated.

Expected

On track

Often attempts simple negotiation (asking for turn back, offering a swap) in familiar situations, occasionally needing adult support to stay calm.

What you might see

  • Asks for the toy back and offers a swap (e.g., “you can have this one”) in a calm moment.
  • Suggests “after me/after you” with an adult nearby, but needs reminders to keep hands gentle.
  • Walks to an adult to report the problem instead of hitting, though may complain loudly.

Exceeding

Going further

Consistently uses non-aggressive strategies to solve peer problems (assertive words, turn-taking plans, swapping, asking for help) across contexts.

What you might see

  • Uses clear, calm words (e.g., “I was using that—can I have it back after your turn?”) without grabbing.
  • Offers a fair solution (timer, turn-taking, swap) and follows it once agreed.
  • Moves away to another activity if the peer refuses, or seeks adult mediation without aggression.
  • Mediates between peers (e.g., suggests timer/turn list) and keeps everyone calm.
  • De-escalates by naming feelings and proposing choices (e.g., “you look cross—let’s swap or wait”).
  • Repairs the relationship after conflict (e.g., invites peer back to play) without adult prompting.

Try this at home

Small everyday moments where you can notice this behaviour without setting up anything special.

  • During a playdate, watch what your child does if another child takes a toy—do they use words, offer a swap, or seek help without hitting?

  • Play a board game or turn-taking activity at home and notice whether your child can negotiate rules and turns without grabbing pieces.

  • During outdoor play (scooters, balls), observe whether your child can solve disputes by proposing turns or a timer rather than pushing.

  • Role-play with toys: act out “someone took your toy” and listen for your child’s non-aggressive problem-solving words.

  • At transitions (tidy-up, lining up), notice whether your child can negotiate space and turns (e.g., “after you”) without shoving.

Connected behaviours

Behaviours that scaffold, follow, or co-emerge with this one.

Where this comes from

The framework source and supporting developmental research.

Framework source

  • Development Matters in the EYFS (2012), DfE — Personal, Social and Emotional Development: Managing feelings and behaviour (40–60+ months).

    Framework-native progression expects increasing peer problem-solving and negotiation with reduced aggression in this age band.

Developmental research

  • Crick, N. R., & Dodge, K. A. (1994). A review and reformulation of social information-processing mechanisms in children's social adjustment. Psychological Bulletin, 115(1), 74–101. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.115.1.74

    Social information-processing models link children’s interpretation, goal selection, and response generation to aggressive vs prosocial problem-solving behaviour.

Five-level rubric (detailed)Show

The full progression underlying the three levels above. Used by the platform’s reasoning agent when planning activities and observations.

Not Yet
When a conflict occurs (e.g., toy taken), the child responds with aggression (hitting, pushing, grabbing) rather than using words or seeking a solution.
  • Immediately hits/pushes when another child takes an item, without speaking first.
  • Snatches toys back repeatedly, escalating into a tug-of-war rather than pausing.
  • Shouts threats or screams and cannot re-engage until an adult removes them.
Emerging
Sometimes uses words or seeks an adult, but negotiation is fragile; may revert to grabbing/shouting if the other child resists.
  • Says “mine!” but then grabs back if the peer does not respond quickly.
  • Looks to an adult and calls for help, but still lunges for the toy while waiting.
  • Attempts “my turn” once, then starts pushing or shouting when frustrated.
Developing
Often attempts simple negotiation (asking for turn back, offering a swap) in familiar situations, occasionally needing adult support to stay calm.
  • Asks for the toy back and offers a swap (e.g., “you can have this one”) in a calm moment.
  • Suggests “after me/after you” with an adult nearby, but needs reminders to keep hands gentle.
  • Walks to an adult to report the problem instead of hitting, though may complain loudly.
Secure
Consistently uses non-aggressive strategies to solve peer problems (assertive words, turn-taking plans, swapping, asking for help) across contexts.
  • Uses clear, calm words (e.g., “I was using that—can I have it back after your turn?”) without grabbing.
  • Offers a fair solution (timer, turn-taking, swap) and follows it once agreed.
  • Moves away to another activity if the peer refuses, or seeks adult mediation without aggression.
Reflexive
Flexibly negotiates and helps others solve conflicts, proposing fair rules and de-escalating peers while maintaining non-aggressive behaviour.
  • Mediates between peers (e.g., suggests timer/turn list) and keeps everyone calm.
  • De-escalates by naming feelings and proposing choices (e.g., “you look cross—let’s swap or wait”).
  • Repairs the relationship after conflict (e.g., invites peer back to play) without adult prompting.