22–36 monthsManaging SelfPersonal, Social and Emotional Development: Self-confidence and self-awareness
Separates from main carer with support and encouragement from a familiar adult.
Observe whether the child: separates from main carer with support and encouragement from a familiar adult.
What it looks like
Three ways this behaviour shows up as a child grows. Each level includes everyday moments to watch for.
Emerging
Just starting
Can separate for very brief periods with a familiar adult but shows strong distress and needs continuous reassurance. Settling is slow and engagement with play is minimal at first.
What you might see
Cries hard and clings to the carer, refusing to take a toy or hold a familiar adult's hand.
Tries to run after the carer or stays at the door crying for an extended period.
Does not calm with familiar adult comfort (cuddle, soothing voice) and cannot start play.
Separates only if carried/held by a familiar adult and continues crying while being held.
Stops crying briefly when distracted but quickly returns to crying and searching for the carer.
Will not join play unless the familiar adult stays very close and actively guides.
Expected
On track
With predictable routines and a familiar adult, separates after some upset and then begins to engage in an activity. May check back for reassurance but can stay apart for a reasonable period.
What you might see
After a short goodbye, cries for a few minutes and then accepts a familiar adult-led activity (book, puzzle).
Holds a comfort item and watches the carer leave, then moves to play with adult encouragement.
Checks back (looks at door, asks 'mummy/daddy?') but returns to play when reassured.
Exceeding
Going further
Separates with little or manageable upset when supported by a familiar adult and a consistent goodbye routine. Settles into play or activities and can be comforted quickly if feelings rise.
What you might see
Waves or says a simple goodbye with prompting and walks with a familiar adult to an activity.
Settles within a short period and stays engaged in play without repeatedly returning to the exit.
If upset, accepts comfort (cuddle, lap, soothing words) and returns to play within minutes.
Chooses a 'first activity' (e.g., blocks) as part of the separation routine and starts it promptly.
When a peer is upset at drop-off, offers them a toy or says 'come play' without adult prompting.
Adapts to a change (different familiar adult) by using the same goodbye routine and still separates.
Try this at home
Small everyday moments where you can notice this behaviour without setting up anything special.
At a familiar drop-off (nursery/childminder), use a short consistent goodbye; notice whether your child can separate with a familiar adult’s encouragement and then begin an activity.
During a playdate, step into another room for 1–2 minutes while a trusted adult stays; observe whether your child stays settled and engages.
At a transition (you leaving to answer the door), ask the familiar adult to guide your child to a 'first activity'; notice whether choosing an activity helps them separate.
When your child is upset at separation, watch how quickly they accept comfort from the familiar adult and whether they return to play afterwards.
Try a comfort object routine (small toy/cloth) for a week; notice whether having it supports separation and settling.
Connected behaviours
Behaviours that scaffold, follow, or co-emerge with this one.
The framework source and supporting developmental research.
Framework source
Development Matters in the EYFS (2012), Personal, Social and Emotional Development: Self-confidence and self-awareness (22–36 months).
The construct is framework-native and focuses on supported separations and settling as part of early social-emotional development.
Developmental research
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
Attachment theory provides an empirical basis for understanding separation responses and the role of a supportive caregiver in helping a child settle.
Five-level rubric (detailed)ShowHide
The full progression underlying the three levels above. Used by the platform’s reasoning agent when planning activities and observations.
Not Yet
Cannot separate from the main carer even with a familiar adult supporting; distress remains high and blocks engagement. Clings, cries intensely, or attempts to follow the carer immediately.
Cries hard and clings to the carer, refusing to take a toy or hold a familiar adult's hand.
Tries to run after the carer or stays at the door crying for an extended period.
Does not calm with familiar adult comfort (cuddle, soothing voice) and cannot start play.
Emerging
Can separate for very brief periods with a familiar adult but shows strong distress and needs continuous reassurance. Settling is slow and engagement with play is minimal at first.
Separates only if carried/held by a familiar adult and continues crying while being held.
Stops crying briefly when distracted but quickly returns to crying and searching for the carer.
Will not join play unless the familiar adult stays very close and actively guides.
Developing
With predictable routines and a familiar adult, separates after some upset and then begins to engage in an activity. May check back for reassurance but can stay apart for a reasonable period.
After a short goodbye, cries for a few minutes and then accepts a familiar adult-led activity (book, puzzle).
Holds a comfort item and watches the carer leave, then moves to play with adult encouragement.
Checks back (looks at door, asks 'mummy/daddy?') but returns to play when reassured.
Secure
Separates with little or manageable upset when supported by a familiar adult and a consistent goodbye routine. Settles into play or activities and can be comforted quickly if feelings rise.
Waves or says a simple goodbye with prompting and walks with a familiar adult to an activity.
Settles within a short period and stays engaged in play without repeatedly returning to the exit.
If upset, accepts comfort (cuddle, lap, soothing words) and returns to play within minutes.
Reflexive
Uses coping strategies during separation across different settings (waves, says goodbye, chooses an activity, carries comfort item). Can support peers' separations (offers a toy, shows what to do next) and recovers from changes in routine.
Chooses a 'first activity' (e.g., blocks) as part of the separation routine and starts it promptly.
When a peer is upset at drop-off, offers them a toy or says 'come play' without adult prompting.
Adapts to a change (different familiar adult) by using the same goodbye routine and still separates.
