16–26 monthsManaging SelfPersonal, Social and Emotional Development: Self-confidence and self-awareness
Demonstrates sense of self as an individual, e.g. wants to do things independently, says “No” to adult.
Observe whether the child: demonstrates sense of self as an individual, e.g. wants to do things independently, says “No” to adult.
What it looks like
Three ways this behaviour shows up as a child grows. Each level includes everyday moments to watch for.
Emerging
Just starting
The child occasionally asserts themselves (e.g., pushes adult hand away, says ‘no’) and may attempt a task briefly, but gives up quickly or becomes distressed when support is needed. Independence shows in bursts rather than consistently.
What you might see
When offered two choices (e.g., two snacks), the child does not indicate preference and waits for the adult to decide.
During dressing, the child makes no attempt to help and does not protest or communicate when the adult takes over.
When an adult tries to help with a task, the child accepts passively and does not attempt the action themselves.
The child sometimes says ‘no’ or shakes head when offered something, but may accept it moments later without a consistent preference.
The child attempts a task (e.g., put cup down, pull sock) for a few seconds, then abandons and cries or demands the adult do it.
When the adult intervenes, the child briefly pushes the adult’s hand away but cannot sustain doing the task alone.
Expected
On track
The child often shows a sense of self by seeking to do things independently (e.g., ‘me do’) and using ‘no’ to refuse or set boundaries. They still need adult support to cope with frustration and to negotiate limits.
What you might see
The child says ‘no’ or shakes head to refuse an adult suggestion (e.g., different toy) and reaches for their preferred item.
The child insists on doing part of a routine (e.g., holding spoon, carrying cup) and shows frustration if the adult takes over.
When offered two options, the child reliably points to the one they want and may repeat the choice if misunderstood.
Exceeding
Going further
The child consistently demonstrates self-as-individual across contexts: makes clear choices, asserts preferences, and attempts age-appropriate independence in routines. They can accept some adult structure while still expressing autonomy (e.g., choosing between two options).
What you might see
The child frequently initiates ‘I do it’ behaviour (e.g., tries to put on shoes, climb into chair) across daily routines.
The child uses ‘no’ purposefully to set a boundary (e.g., refuses another bite) and maintains the refusal consistently.
When a limit is set (e.g., ‘not that’), the child can choose an alternative with support rather than only melting down.
The child communicates preference and autonomy with negotiation (e.g., points to a different option after being told ‘not now’).
After completing something independently, the child shows pride (smiles, claps, calls adult) and repeats the skill later.
The child applies autonomy across caregivers/settings (e.g., still expresses clear ‘no’ and choices with relatives or at nursery drop-off).
Try this at home
Small everyday moments where you can notice this behaviour without setting up anything special.
Offer two acceptable options (two cups, two snacks); notice whether your child clearly chooses and sticks with the choice.
During dressing, pause and say ‘your turn’; does your child attempt a step (arm in, sock off) and show preference for doing it themselves?
At mealtime, watch for purposeful ‘no’ (turning away, saying ‘no’, pushing plate); is it consistent and communicative rather than random?
During play, see whether your child initiates an activity without you starting it (brings a toy, starts a game) and resists unwanted help.
When you set a boundary, offer an alternative (‘not that, this one’); does your child accept structure while still expressing their preference?
Connected behaviours
Behaviours that scaffold, follow, or co-emerge with this one.
The framework source and supporting developmental research.
Framework source
Department for Education (DfE). (2012). Development Matters in the Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS).
EYFS defines early autonomy and refusal (‘no’) as observable indicators of self-confidence and self-awareness in toddlers.
Developmental research
Erikson, E. H. (1950). Childhood and Society. New York: W. W. Norton.
Classic developmental theory highlights the toddler period as one of increasing autonomy and self-assertion, supporting these behaviours as meaningful developmental markers.
Five-level rubric (detailed)ShowHide
The full progression underlying the three levels above. Used by the platform’s reasoning agent when planning activities and observations.
Not Yet
The child rarely asserts preferences or independence; they typically wait for adults to lead and accept help without attempting to do things themselves. Refusals (‘no’) are uncommon or not clearly communicative.
When offered two choices (e.g., two snacks), the child does not indicate preference and waits for the adult to decide.
During dressing, the child makes no attempt to help and does not protest or communicate when the adult takes over.
When an adult tries to help with a task, the child accepts passively and does not attempt the action themselves.
Emerging
The child occasionally asserts themselves (e.g., pushes adult hand away, says ‘no’) and may attempt a task briefly, but gives up quickly or becomes distressed when support is needed. Independence shows in bursts rather than consistently.
The child sometimes says ‘no’ or shakes head when offered something, but may accept it moments later without a consistent preference.
The child attempts a task (e.g., put cup down, pull sock) for a few seconds, then abandons and cries or demands the adult do it.
When the adult intervenes, the child briefly pushes the adult’s hand away but cannot sustain doing the task alone.
Developing
The child often shows a sense of self by seeking to do things independently (e.g., ‘me do’) and using ‘no’ to refuse or set boundaries. They still need adult support to cope with frustration and to negotiate limits.
The child says ‘no’ or shakes head to refuse an adult suggestion (e.g., different toy) and reaches for their preferred item.
The child insists on doing part of a routine (e.g., holding spoon, carrying cup) and shows frustration if the adult takes over.
When offered two options, the child reliably points to the one they want and may repeat the choice if misunderstood.
Secure
The child consistently demonstrates self-as-individual across contexts: makes clear choices, asserts preferences, and attempts age-appropriate independence in routines. They can accept some adult structure while still expressing autonomy (e.g., choosing between two options).
The child frequently initiates ‘I do it’ behaviour (e.g., tries to put on shoes, climb into chair) across daily routines.
The child uses ‘no’ purposefully to set a boundary (e.g., refuses another bite) and maintains the refusal consistently.
When a limit is set (e.g., ‘not that’), the child can choose an alternative with support rather than only melting down.
Reflexive
The child flexibly balances independence with cooperation: they communicate boundaries and preferences clearly, recover after ‘no’ is negotiated, and may offer alternatives (‘this one’) or show pride in self-initiated achievements. They generalise autonomy across settings and caregivers.
The child communicates preference and autonomy with negotiation (e.g., points to a different option after being told ‘not now’).
After completing something independently, the child shows pride (smiles, claps, calls adult) and repeats the skill later.
The child applies autonomy across caregivers/settings (e.g., still expresses clear ‘no’ and choices with relatives or at nursery drop-off).
